Rebuilding and maintaining relationships can be a challenge. After all, we have developed bad communication habits for years and those we love are used to our bad habits.This page helps you recognize those damaging habits and change them. It's not easy, but millions of Americans talk poorly with the very ones they really want to show love to.
In early recovery, our loved ones are used to our bad ways. For good reason, they don't trust us and they know how self-centered we are and how much we tend to argue. Yes, and LIE to cover up our addictions.
Families mirror our bad behavior back to us and they expect us to keep behaving badly with them. You can practice new ways to communicate better. More lovingly. But you'll have to be patient and wait for them to see you're trying HARD to change your ways. Things to try:
1. Assess the Situation. What is the situation? Describe it using facts, not opinions or feelings. Stay objective. Try to see the situation from everyone's perspective.
2. Honestly express your feelings. Express your feelings and opinions honestly but not in an accusing manner that will make them defensive. Talk about how YOU feel, your own hurts rather than THEIR faults.
Don't exaggerate or use Absolutes. ("you ALWAYS this....", "You NEVER that...."). Try to stay in Wise Mind *, avoiding emotional outbursts from you or your spouse.
3. Admit when you're wrong and your past mistakes. Immediately admit your wrongs to avoid more suffering and resentments in yourself-- or your loved ones.
4. Remember your past ways and the new things you're trying today. Remember ways you acted in the past and the negative effects your words or actions created. Assess your new behavior now so that it's in line with the person you want to be today.
5. Emphasize Good Intent! Remember the spiritual principles that guide you, especially your love, honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness to make things better.
Practicing Better Skills
Here are practices to help you start a conversation or give feedback. Yes, we avoid some difficult conversations because we are worried how the other person will respond, that we will be misunderstood, that the conversation will disintegrate into an argument, or that we will end up being in a worse place than when we started.
* Wise Mind is the coming together, the overlap of Reasonable Mind and Emotion Mind. So when they come together or overlap, they produce something bigger than either of them were separately.
The above are examples of using DBT (Dialectic Behavior Therapy) with the good intent found in AA's 12 Steps to self improvement.) They come from a counseling class written by Hazelden Foundation. Hazelden is a popular publisher of Alcoholics Anonymous principles to help us get along better. You can find more their self-help publications at bookstores in sections about Alcoholism and Marital Relationships. It might help to buy such a workbook so both of you read it to share your goals together.
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1. Describe the situation. When you describe the situation, be sure to stick to the facts. You should be operating from Rational Mind, when you describe the situation. This isn't the time to share how you feel about the situation. But share the FACTS.
2. Express your feelings. Express your opinion about the situation and how you feel about it. What emotions have arisen as a result of the situation? Even though you are focusing on feelings, it is important to be in Wise Mind * when you begin to talk about emotions, feelings and opinions.
3. Ask for what you want to have happen after the conversation. When you establish goals for a mutual purpose between you, you communicate the reason to have the conversation.
4. Benefits and consequences. Reinforce the benefit you both will get with your conversation's good result or the consequences if you get a poor one. Clearly explain the benefits of having a good outcome that meets both your and the other person's goals. Present the possible bad consequences of NOT meeting your joint goals.
5. Be Mindful. Stay focused on the conversation you want to have happen after the conversation. When you establish goals for a mutual purpose between you, you communicate the reason to have the conversation.
6. Remain assertive. But don't steam-roll or sugarcoat. When we steam-roll, we use an aggressive or bully tone to get our way. We interrupt, we exaggerate, we use absolutes, and we insult the other person in order to control the conversation.
When we sugarcoat, we minimize the importance of our words so much that the other person may not understand how important what we are discussing actually is to us. By remaining assertive, we stay in Wise Mind, balancing the facts of the situations and the emotions we feel.
7. Negotiate when necessary. Sometimes we have to "give a little to get a little." Ask for the other person's opinion. What are their ideas about resolving the situation? Negotiate so that you and the other person are both satisfied with the outcome.
* Wise Mind is the coming together, the overlap of Reasonable Mind and Emotion Mind. So when they come together or overlap, they produce something bigger than either of them were separately.
The above are examples of using DBT (Dialectic Behavior Therapy) with the good intent found in AA's 12 Steps to self improvement.) They come from a counseling class written by Hazelden Foundation. Hazelden is a popular publisher of Alcoholics Anonymous principles to help us get along better. You can find more their self-help publications at bookstores in sections about Alcoholism and Marital Relationships. It might help to buy such a workbook so both of you read it to share your goals together.
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