www.bestlinksUS.com
Roles Children play in Dysfunctional Families
This is an edited composite of two authors on child roles in a household where there exists alcoholism, drug use, or mental disorders (like narcissism) of the parents.
The two contributors are Robert Burney, MA (Codependency therapist) published in his webpage Heal Your Inner Child and Lauren Bennett (an author and self-identified sufferer) as published in The Mind's Journal.)
Burney: The Family Systems Dynamics research shows that within the family system, children adopt certain roles according to their family dynamics. Some these roles are more passive, some are more aggressive, because in the competition for attention and validation within a family system, the children must adopt different behaviors to feel like an individual."
The basic roles I list apply to American culture specifically, and Western Civilization generally. There are four basic roles children adopt to survive growing up in emotionally dishonest, shame-based, dysfunctional family systems. Some children maintain one role into adulthood while others switch from one role to another when families change (i.e., when the oldest leaves home, etc.) An only child may play all of the roles at one time or another.
Bennett: 1. One or more of the parents are active alcoholics or addicted to drugs.
2. One or more of the parents have a disorder, usually Narcissistic Personality but sometimes Borderline Personality, Anti-social Personality, or Histrionic Personality Disorder (or a combination of any of these).
Responsible Child - "the Family Hero"
Burney: This is the child who is "9 going on 40." This child takes over the parent role at a very young age, becoming very responsible and self-sufficient. They give the family self-worth because these kids look good on the outside. They are good students, the sports stars, the prom queens. Parents look to this child to prove they are good parents and good people.
As an adult, the Family Hero is rigid, controlling, and extremely judgmental of others and, secretly, of themselves. They achieve "success" on the outside with lots of positive attention -- but are cut off from their inner emotional life, from their True Self.
The family hero, because of their successful outward appearance of living "right," he or she often finds it hard as an adult admitting there is anything within themselves that needs to be healed.
Bennett: The Golden Child (the Hero, the Good Child), is often (but not always) the eldest child -- the parent’s trophy, pride and joy. The parents may seem to love that child, but being incapable of real love, it is "conditional love" and based on their fantasy of what they want that child to be -- not who the child really is. The child is assigned to be the Mini-Me of the narcissistic parent.
The Golden Child, basking in constant approval, is showered with toys and gifts, never held accountable for wrongdoing and often recruited as a co-abuser of the family Scapegoat. These grow up entitled, grandiose, and spoiled.
To continue to be the parent’s favorite, they had to play a role which became internalized. This becomes their False Self. After a while, they are no longer able to access their Real Self at all. Golden Children who have become narcissistic continue their entitled, bullying, manipulative, grandiose behavior into adulthood. They are likely to head dysfunctional families themselves, continuing the cycle.
Acting Out Child - "The Scapegoat"
Burney: This is the child that the family feels ashamed of - and the most emotionally honest child in the family. This child provides distraction from the real issues in the family. The scapegoat usually has trouble in school because they get attention the only way they know how - which is negatively. They often become pregnant or addicted as teenagers.
Yet, these children are usually the most sensitive and caring, which is why they feel such tremendous hurt. They are romantics who become very cynical and distrustful. They have a lot of self-hatred and can be very self-destructive. This often results in this child becoming the first in the family to get into some kind of recovery.
Bennett: Usually the Scapegoat tends to be the Truth Teller -- the only family member who can see the dysfunction and may even react against it. This most sensitive child is also a threat to the narcissists in the family because emotional expression is such a frightening thing to them. (In many, if not most dysfunctional families, expressing emotion is not allowed.) So the most emotional or sensitive child becomes the Scapegoat, especially if they rebel against the family dysfunction or criticize it.
The Scapegoat may be assigned the role of Bad Child, the Loser, the Stupid One, the Ugly One, the Crazy One, the Weak One, or any combination of these. No matter what they do, they cannot please the parents (or the siblings who have been turned against them). Scapegoat children usually develop severe PTSD or possibly another mental disorder, and having been trained to be victims and never given the emotional, financial or other tools to succeed in life, tend to fulfill their families’ predictions of being “losers,” so then their families can say to others, “See? This child really is worthless.”
Scapegoated children also tend to attract other abusers throughout their lives and are at risk for being targeted for bullying even as adults and for entering into abusive relationships. If the adult child doesn’t go No Contact, the abuse continues, usually through some form of isolation, silent treatment, or exclusion. Scapegoated adults are talked badly about by the family and not invited to family functions. They are rejected: o=given no emotional or financial support, even though other members of the family are given these things. It’s not unusual for a scapegoated adult child to be living in poverty, even if their families are wealthy–not only because they were denied financial support when they needed it, but also because their self esteem took such a terrible beating that they have no confidence at all or take life-improvement risks.
A Scapegoat isn’t always a child. It can also be a parent, in which the children are turned against that parent by the abusive one.
Peacemaker--
"The Caretaker"
Bennett: This child takes responsibility for the emotional well-being of the family. They become the families "social director" and/or clown, diverting the family's attention from the pain and anger.
This child becomes an adult who is valued for their ind heart, generosity, and ability to listen to others. Their whole self-definition is centered on others and they don't know how to get their own needs met. They become adults who cannot receive love only give it. They often have case loads rather than friendships - and get involved in abusive relationships in an attempt to "save" the other person. They go into the helping professions and become nurses, social workers, and therapists. They have very low self-worth and feel a lot of guilt that they work very hard to overcome by being really "nice (i.e., people-pleasing, classically codependent) people.
Bennett: This is the co-dependent child who attempts to “fix” the family dysfunction by being obedient, always good, non-confrontational, overly generous, and self-sacrificing. The Rescuer may be highly empathic. The Rescuer tries to serve all the needs of the narcissistic/addicted parent, which of course is not possible. They will never argue with or criticize the narcissistic parent, and are always trying to get everyone to get along, which also is not possible. They may be the only family member who doesn’t abuse the Scapegoat, but they might if they feel like it’s required. However, even if they do collude in the Scapegoat’s abuse, they will be less abusive than the other family members, tending to take a back seat or even sympathize with the Scapegoat in private. In trying to please everyone, they please no one, and grow up feeling impotent and helpless. It’s a no-win situation.
When Rescuers become adults, they tend to unconsciously look for other abusers to “rescue,” having failed to do so in their families of origin. Like Scapegoats, Rescuers are likely to become abused themselves as adults, but it’s hard for them to leave an abuser because of their high level of empathy which keeps them tied to the abuser in their attempt to want to “help” them. They also tend to fall for an abuser’s promises to change and are easily “hoovered” back into a codependent relationship.
Adjuster - "The Lost Child"
Burney: This child escapes by attempting to be invisible. They daydream, fantasize, read a lot of books or watch a lot of TV. They deal with reality by withdrawing from it. They deny that they have any feelings and "don't bother getting upset."These children grow up to be adults who find themselves unable to feel and suffer very low self-esteem. They are terrified of intimacy and often have relationship phobia. They are very withdrawn and shy and become socially isolated because that is the only way they know to be safe from being hurt. A lot of actors and writers are "lost children" who have found a way to express emotions while hiding behind their characters.
Bennett: In larger families (three or more children), one child is likely to be ignored and treated as if they don’t exist. This isn’t a form of silent treatment; it’s as if the parents don’t notice the child is there at all. The Lost Child isn’t victimized like the Scapegoat, but they aren’t spoiled either. They may or may not be recruited to assist in the abuse of the Scapegoat, but they won’t necessarily be punished if they don’t cooperate; they will simply be ignored.
The Lost Child tends to be quiet and shy, and not make any waves. They are probably aware of the family dysfunction and may sympathize with the scapegoat (but don’t let anyone know this). As they grow older, they may crave attention or develop addictions, or they may remain shy and retiring throughout their lives. They tend to avoid confrontation and drama, and may become extremely introverted.
The Mascot -- in denial
Bennett: The Clown/ Mascot attempts to divert attention away from the family dysfunction (and also get attention for themselves) by making light of everything. Everything becomes a joke to them, and they even use their own families as sources for humor. Clowns can be disruptive in class as children to get attention, but because of their ability to see the humor in things, they tend to be outgoing and develop a large circle of friends during adolescence and adulthood (even if they are never taken very seriously). Family Mascots are almost never scapegoated, because they entertain everyone and take the focus off the family problems.
Shifting Roles
Bennett: In Balkanized families, (divided or when children leave/grow up) the child roles can shift. The most common situation is a Golden Child becoming a Scapegoat, often upon reaching adulthood, if they fail to fulfill the unrealistic expectations put on them. (“You were such a disappointment to me!”) If a Scapegoat goes No Contact or leaves the family for some other reason, another child, possibly the Lost Child, becomes the new Scapegoat. Someone has to carry all the family shame. If the family only has two children, the Golden Child may find themselves suddenly scapegoated or serving both roles.
Very common in Only Children, those who serve as both Scapegoats and Golden Children often develop Borderline Personality Disorder as well as severe C-PTSD and possibly other mental disorders like Dissociative Identity Disorder (almost always the result of severe emotional abuse).
Serving as both a Scapegoat and Golden Child is the ultimate mindf*ck because there isn’t even any consistency. The child never knows if they will be punished or rewarded from one minute to the next. Their only advantage (if they are an only child) is that they don’t have siblings who have been turned into flying monkeys who collude in the abuse.
If the family ever develops a need for a new Scapegoat (if the Scapegoat goes No Contact, dies, or disappears), the Lost Child is usually picked as a replacement, due to their non-confrontational, malleable temperament and lack of any real pre-existing role in the family.
Summary
It is important to note that we adapt the roles that are best suited to our personalities. We are, of course, born with certain personality. What happens with the roles we adapt in our family dynamic is that we get a twisted, distorted view of who we are as a result of our personality melding with the roles. This is dysfunctional because it causes us to not be able to see ourselves clearly. As long as we are still reacting to our childhood wounding and old tapes, then we cannot get in touch clearly with who we really are.
The false self that we develop to survive is never totally false - there is always some Truth in it. For example, people who go into the helping professions do truly care and are not doing what they simply out of Co-dependence. Nothing is black and white - everything in life involves various shades of gray.
Recovery is about getting honest with ourselves and finding some balance in our lives. Recovery is about seeing ourselves more clearly and honestly so that we can start being True to who we really are, instead of to who our parents wanted us to be. (Reacting to the other extreme by rebelling against who they wanted us to be is still living life in reaction to our childhoods.
It is still giving power over how we live our lives tot he past instead of seeing clearly so that we can own our choices today.) The clearer we can see our self, the easier it becomes to find some balance in our lives - to find some happiness, fulfillment, and serenity.
Back to BEST LINKS
